The Dark Cloud

“Ahhhh!” I screamed as the searing pain striked, it felt so good as I slit the penknife across the flesh on my arm. At least it temporarily numbed the pain I felt inside emotionally. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I see this dark cloud rise above me. What have I done? How do I get that thing, that feeling to go away? Will I ever be happy again? But how did this start? Maybe one morning I woke up, and felt something punching my heart. Oh God, where did I go wrong? What on earth did I do to deserve this?
At times like these, I wonder if God is actually there. Why would he create such sadness? Most of all, why me? It’s like I will never be good enough. Never deserve to be happy. Maybe I’m missing something, but I just don’t know what. As I get up, my protruding bones aching from sitting on hard wooden floor, I looked in the mirror. I looked like death. Dark circles under my eyes, hair falling out, emaciated to the bones. People use to say I was beautiful. Maybe I was, I never saw it. Within the darkness in my mind, came this entity, I named it Anna. Anna told me not to eat, that I am a failure for eating. I was hoping that if I stripped myself of everything, flesh and bones, maybe the darkness will be stripped out too. But it never went away, even as I stripped myself of every piece of flesh on my body. When people look at me, they genuinely think that I have some sort of terminal disease. Well maybe I do. It’s called depression. It is terminal in a way.
As I search my mind, I try to reminisce on the good times I had. But as I search my mind thoroughly, I find nothing, just a pool of darkness. Was there ever a time where I went out and hung out with friends like a regular teenager? I guess not. My mind has barely seen the light of day as it only sees darkness. I pass my time by taking long walks alone hoping to find light or exercising myself silly just to feel that physical pain that numbs the pain inside.
At times I wonder what will become of me. Will I...