Success will always be an important aspect in my life. (Delete/re-word. Optional*) I, as an individual, have set high expectations for myself. I always have made it a priority to attend college upon graduating from high school. I always have had a strong desire to strive for achievement. (Can’t have a split infinitive- “I HAVE always HAD”. You have to keep the verb together to make it “always HAVE HAD”) Gaining a college education is not an option for me. (Can’t start a sentence with a gerund (-ing)). I want to make a positive difference in my community, and I want to make something positive out of my life as well. I have set many goals for myself that I plan to achieve in the future. I dream of becoming a pediatric nurse, with the ability to help children. Many of my goals, like this one in particular, rely on my college education. A college education will provide me with the ability to enhance my discoveries in new areas of knowledge by increase my understanding in the community and by becoming a productive citizen. The ability to   meet a variety of new people from all over the world is an experience in itself. Having an education from any school could never be taken away from one’s self. (Delete/re-word) A college education is permanent and can be used for an unlimited amount of opportunities. College is an establishment of advanced knowledge that I will take full advantage of. (Delete/re-word) I plan to take full advantage of a college education, and I will continually strive to enhance my knowledge for future use.

Presently, (In this particular sentence you need to start off with currently*) I am a senior in high school who has chosen a profession in pediatrics. A college education will enable me to make my dreams come true by fulfilling the goals that I have set for myself. I have always hoped to not only make myself happy, but to make my parents happy as well by advancing in what they were not able to do. By being one of three children, I have had the...

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